My fragile lifeline runs through the middle with anxiety and anger exploding from the centre, whilst everything was falling in on me at the same time.
One of the reasons I started this blog was to get things out of my head. After years of keeping things to myself, I’ve learned how important it is be seen and heard by others. Having a witness helps me let go of things, rather then recycling them around my head or holding on to them in my body.
Usually I turn anger on myself. Either in the way I talk to myself, treat myself or with relentless thoughts about self-harm. I often don’t realise that I’m doing this or what triggered it until someone finally points it out to me.
But today I realised that I’m feeling angry and it’s been bubbling away for a few days so I’m going to write about it.
Six months ago my depression became really bad and I was admitted to hospital where I self-harmed and attempted suicide. I’ll write more about that experience another time. When I came home I needed company, help and support, but that’s not what I got.
I’d been in hospital in another area which meant I wasn’t eligible to access the services of my local Community Mental Health Team (CMHT). I called various services and explained the situation but was turned away.
Eventually my psychiatrist insisted that I have an appointment with my local CMHT where I went to see a psychiatrist. She was very dismissive and didn’t feel there was anything she could do for me given I was receiving treatment elsewhere. She gave me a leaflet about some exercise classes and made a follow-up appointment for three months later.
When I went back I saw a different doctor and the response was so different – I’ve now been offered access to wellbeing courses, social groups and a Support Time and Recovery Worker.
Where was this support when I was so desperate for it and feeling so alone?
I’m back at work now and whilst I’ve reduced my hours, these groups and courses generally run mid-morning or mid-afternoon when I’m at work. It feels like there is a gap for people who are on the road to recovery and trying to put the pieces of their life back together, but unless you’re so unwell that you’re unable to work it seems impossible to access these services.
I also looked into local MIND support groups – but again they run in the day time. I’d love to find something that ran in the evenings so I could meet people going through similar difficulties and not feel so alone which is probably the biggest factor in my depression at the moment.