Today I’m feeling crap.

Mary Oliver

Today I’m feeling crap. Work is really busy and I worry that I can’t cope. That I can’t do the job that I have or whether I want to.  I regularly worry about whether I’m good enough which triggers my depression. I’ve been imagining today that other people can do my job better than me and that really they just want to get rid of me. I don’t want the pressure of having to manage someone either and being responsible for their work.

I can see I’m in an unhealthy cycling of worrying, then comfort eating, not exercising, feeling bad about putting on weight, feeling unattractive and that it’s no wonder that no one is interested in me.  I want someone to want me, and that hurts so badly, especially as I’m feeling rejected by someone that I’d been looking forward to going on a date with since they cancelled it.

I’m worrying that I won’t be able to see my psychiatrist if I get unwell again as my insurance company won’t cover it anymore and I can’t afford her private rates. My latest NHS psychiatrist is also leaving – I haven’t seen the same NHS doctor more than once! I guess that leaves me feeling a bit unsteady too as I don’t have that support either.

I am seeing my therapist tomorrow after four weeks as we’ve been winding down, but whatever she says, I have to do things for myself. She can’t stop me binge eating to get me to the gym! I only have myself to blame.

The work stress has been keeping me awake at night. I either can’t sleep because I’m worrying or I wake-up and can’t get back to sleep because of it. This morning I had some thoughts about self-harm when  I work up for the first time in ages which is a sign that the pressure is becoming too much. This evening I’ve also gone back to fantasizing about suicide. Another sign.

I don’t feel I can talk to anyone as it will be ‘oh no, not this again’ and I just want to avoid being around people. I have a busy couple of weeks ahead and am already thinking that I can’t face it and want to cancel arrangements. Work have been so accommodating but it’s been a year now and I can’t react like this and let them down every time things get stressful.

But if I don’t do this job, that what else do I do? Most jobs are stressful, and if I had an easy job I’d get bored from not being stimulated. I wish I knew what do with my life.